An Unabridged Diary Entry

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Last year was much of an internal journey for me, I've stepped more into the universe's flow to find alignment. I now understand that not everything in this universe is controllable, the wind, the elements, the emotions of other people, or what they think of me, natural disasters, or the risk of getting some deadly disease. 

So, I consciously decided not to invest my energy in worrying about the uncontrollable, I haven’t mastered it completely but I put in deliberate efforts every day to not believe everything my brain says. Because worrying does no good and wastes a lot of time! 

Since last December my mother is undergoing cancer treatment, and the cancer patients are more vulnerable to infection so the fear of contracting the COVID-19 virus has been very much there. My family has been cautious, we have been strictly following the Covid norms. And yet sometimes anxiety creates a sense of doom, it makes me anxious about my parents and my family living far away in some other place. 

My rational brain knows that I am fine, my family and loved ones are just fine but my mind refuses to believe it, it picks up the uncertain things that might happen and makes me feel apprehensive. My body starts giving signals, my chest feels tight, my heart races, my digestion gets interrupted, I struggle to fall asleep and then sleep deprivation worsens anxiety. I got angry at myself for not being able to get better even after doing things which have usually helped me in the past.

I had never been stuck in an anxiety spiral like this before, but then I asked myself have I ever struggled with a worldwide pandemic before, a sick mother or lost a loved one and that too at the same time?  Never! This is a completely new situation and I have to be kind with myself. Also, it is an opportunity for me to face these fears and transform them with love! For that I need to let these thoughts and fears flow.

I decided to treat myself with an avalanche of compassion. I consciously decided to listen to my body and treat it with love, everyday. I didn’t coil myself in “positive thinking” because I needed to feel the fears completely and go through it before letting them go. I acknowledge these unwanted thoughts and make peace with them. They have been taking up too much of my energy, and I am not getting anything in return. Such thoughts and fears are bound to come, they are going to be there, but I refuse to believe them. I surrender to my creator, and I believe that good things are on my way.

It is an act of bravery to let yourself feel instead of denying and painting it with “positivity” or “good vibes”. It is brave, listening to what your anxious self is telling and yet not believing it. It is brave of you to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though it might be really dark at the moment. It’s brave of you to forgive yourself for your shortcomings and staying committed to your dream. I pray we all stay brave for the rest of our lives and march towards our dreams.

Author: Annapoorna Nair | Publisher: Kosha Life